A Strange Day At Hogwarts
by ToastyTheBagel
Summary: Harry sees odd things happening. He has to fix them before everyone gets bored and stops reading.
1. Chapter 1

A Strange Day at Hogwart's

Written by ToastyTheBagel

(who, it should be noted, is quite embarrassed by this mess.)

Chapter 1

Harry Potter woke up one morning to something quite odd. His room was filled with steam, like it was a Peruvian jungle or something. Does Peru even have jungles, Harry wondered? If so, are they very steamy? Peru certainly has small bears wearing coats and eating marmalade, but steamy jungles are another matter all together. Regardless, it was quite steamy in his room. He called out to Ron, to see if Ron knew the source of the steam.

"Why yes, Harry," Ron replied, walking in from a door that wasn't there when they went to bed the night before. "I know exactly where the steam is coming from."

"Hang on," Harry said, "What's with that door? This certainly is odd. Did you learn a steam-and-doors spell yesterday or something?"

"Mate," Ron said, figuring he needed to say the word mate at least once every other sentence, "my father came here last night and installed a muggle shower in a new room. I've come to realize the students and professors here at Hogwarts almost never clean themselves. When's the last time you remember it being mentioned? I figured I could fix that."

"Um, okay?" Harry said hesitantly. "You mean like how sitcom characters never go to the bathroom?"

"Hey," Ron said, "I'm not a muggle! I don't know about sitcoms or TV... or even Reebok sneakers and US Presidents who smoke weed. You should really remember that kind of thing."

"Oh right, yeah. Sorry, Ron." As Ron approached Harry closer, Harry could see Ron in a towel, glistening and wet. Ron had apparently been using this mysterious shower.

"Oh, Harry, mate," Ron said, making sure to meet his Minimum Required Usage Of Mate Quota, "How about you get some of this sweet ass?" Ron dropped his towel and wiggled his ass at Harry.

"What?" Harry exclaimed, very surprised at what just happened, "What do you mean, have some of that sweet ass? Put your towel back on."

"You know," Ron said, "You take your dick and shove it in my butthole. Sweet, sweet ass! You know you want to, mate." Ron smiled, exceptionally happy he was now exceeding his .5 quota on the word mate.

"This doesn't make any sense," Harry said, "This our 6th year together in Hogwarts and you've never wanted to do this before. We've always liked girls! How are you going to marry Hermione at the end of book 7 if you go around getting guys to stick their thingies in your you-know-what?"

"Stop channeling trolls from Dubai, mate. What's this about Book 7? We aren't in a book. Are you sure you're doing all right, Harry?" Ron asked.

Harry decided he needed to get out. He got dressed as fast as he could and hurried out, looking for someone to tell about this most unusual behavior from Ron. Perhaps someone had cast a spell on Ron of some type? He ran into Snape in the hall. Literally. Harry was so deep in thought, he knocked directly into Snape.

"Out of my way, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape shouted coldly, "I heard Ron's offering free ass! I have to go tap some of that sweet ass!"

"What?" Harry exclaimed, "YOU TOO? What's gotten into everyone around here?" Harry was very confused. How can someone shout coldly? That seems hard to do. Snape pushed past him and continued towards Ron's room.

Harry knew something odd was happening about Hogwarts. It was up to him to figure it out and fix it. This was gonna be weird, Harry was sure.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Harry hurried down the hall, pushing past various students. None of them seemed to be acting unusually. Hopefully this problem was confined to just Ron and Snape. He ran down the hall, looking around for Hermoine. Certainly she would be able to help, right? Someone had to help! Snape was up there doing... something... to Ron. What DID 'tapping that sweet ass' mean, anyway? It sounded painful, regardless.

Harry was so deep in thought again, he ended up in a section of Hogwarts he had never been in before. A voice boomed out, "THESE ARE THE HALLS OF MEDICINE."

"Um, what?" Harry asked the disembodied voice.

"THESE. ARE. THE. HALLS. OF. MEDICINE," the voice boomed more slowly as if Harry was an idiot.

"No," Harry corrected, "these are the Halls of Hogwarts."

"OH, MY MISTAKE," the voice boomed apologetically, "I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN A LEFT TURN AT LEICESTER. SORRY TO BOTHER YOU."

This was just too strange, even for someone who once saw his future self save his current self from death. Even for someone who once fell into the memories of a professor. Well, regardless, Harry figure he should keep looking for Hermoine. She has to be around here somewhere.

As he walked, he came upon yet another place he'd never seen before. Or maybe it was an extension of the first place? Maybe it was some alternate dimension where Ringo Starr was really a very good drummer. Harry wasn't sure what Ringo Starr had to do with anything and besides, how could such a crazy place exist? Ringo Starr a good drummer? That just isn't possible, no matter how alternate the dimension is. Harry finally found a classroom and decided to peek in and see if anyone knew where he was.

He peeked into the classroom and overheard a professor he didn't recognize speaking to the class, "Settle down everybody," she said, "Welcome to Facial Cumshots 101. As part of the new sextology department, we're going to teach you how to properly cumshot a girl's face." At that point, Harry passed out.

Why, I hear you wondering, did Harry pass out? Is it because he has never heard of the sexology department? Is it because he's a prude? No, it was because someone hit him over the head with a sack full of nickles. This random assaulter could have saved much time and effort by using a shack of galleons, but no! He had to import a sack of nickels from the United States. At least use shillings, if you have to use muggle currency. Some people, always showing off, eh?

Harry woke up in a dark room, some time later. He wondered how long he'd been out. He was sitting comfortably in a chair, but could feel pressure keeping him in place. "I feel like I've been hit by a whomping willow," he commented to no one in particular.

"Buffalo Nickels actually," replied a voice, "contained in the finest burlap man can buy."

"What now?" Harry asked, "Who are you? Where am I? Why not use a linen sack?"

"Does any of that really matter?" the voice answered, "Do you have any questions of substance?"

"Actually," Harry replied, "I do. Why is the dream ending of St. Elsewhere so maligned, while the dream ending of Newhart is regarded as genius?"

"Oh," replied the stranger, "That's easy. Newhart was making a reference to his original series, The Bob Newhart Show, and pleasing audiences at the same time. A lot of people loved The Bob Newhart Show. The St. Elsewhere writers were just lazy about it."

"Oh," Harry replied, "That's good to know. But seriously, can you just answer my questions? I'm really quite busy."

"Oh very well," the voice replied, "Linen is too expensive. Burlap is cheaper and stronger. It made a much better choice than linen, both budget and strength wise."

"Not that question!"

"Oh yes," he said, "You're in the room of requirement. Surely you've been here before?" Then the lights turned on. Standing in front of Harry was... no one he recognized!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"Who are you?" Harry asked.

"I'm J.C. Pickler," he responded.

"Great," Harry replied, "Why did you do this to me?"

"No reason," he replied, "I just like hitting people over the head with nickels, tying them to chairs in dark rooms and being all elusive when they wake up. But now the lights are on so it isn't fun anymore. See you later!" and with that, he exited.

"What a waste of time," Harry thought as he untied himself. "Why, if this were a book, I'd be a very upset reader at that happening. It serves no point!" For some strange reason, Harry suddenly thought of a cartoon alligator with big lips. Shrugging the image off, Harry decided to hurry back to his room and get his Marauder's Map. He could use that to figure out where Hermoine is. Or someone that can help."

Harry hurried back and found Ron laying in his bed, seemingly naked but, happily, covered by a sheet to his waist. Ron was fast asleep snoring and the sheets looked sort of greasy. Harry refused to ponder that anymore. The room was still steamy, and he could very vaguely hear Snape singing in the shower. Harry was extremely disturbed now so he grabbed the map, his invisibility cloak just in case, and got out of the room before Snape came out.

He got into a secluded corner and activate his map. Hermoine was in that same area he'd been earlier when he'd been hit on the head. He hurried down there again. This was odd. Hermoine should be in Care of Magical Creatures right now. In fact, Harry realized, he should be as well. He checked and realized the class was more than half over. Certainly, if Hermoine could a skip a class occasionally, he could as well. He hurried on to this strange new area. Hogwarts was ever changing, but this was a little odd.

He arrived at the classroom, he peered in cautiously. What weird class was this? Why was Hermione in a class that she'd clearly never been in before. She always told him and Ron about any changes to her schedule, such as the time she'd switched to taking Arithmancy over Divination. Though, he recalled, they did have to sort of pry that out of her.

Harry decided to wait in the hall for the class to end. What class was this, anyway? It was near that other weird sex class from earlier. Maybe she's learning how to tap sweet asses? Harry really didn't know.

"THESE ARE THE HALLS OF HOGWARTS!" a voice boomed out while Harry was waiting.

"Errr," he stuttered, "Weren't you leaving?"

"YES," the dismebodied voice said, "BUT I DECIDED I LIKED IT HERE. DO YOU THINK ANYONE WILL MIND?"

"Seeing as we have multiple ghosts, talking and moving paintings, skeletal cats, pythons attempting to eat the students, and occasional attacks by dark wizards... no. They probably won't even notice you."

"OH, GOOD," the voice boomed, and then seemingly left to bother other people.

Harry waited, ever more impatiently. He almost wanted to barge in on the class, but that'd be rude. It seemed to be an all-girls class anyway. They might force him to wear makeup or something if he goes in there. That thought alone made Harry decide Ron's odd behavior took a definite back seat to waiting. After another few minutes, the class let out. Harry looked at each person coming out, but Hermione was definitely not in the class. He pulled the map halfway out of his pocket and glanced at it. It said quite clearly Hermione was next to him. Was she invisible? Was she disguised somehow?

"Hermione?" he said out loud, extremely confused. He'd never know the Marauder's Map to be wrong about a person's location.

"Oh, Harry!" someone said turning around, "I didn't think you'd recognize me!"

Whoever that person was, she wasn't Hermione Granger. Her boobs were enormous, her hair was straight like she'd run it through a flattening iron, and she generally looked like a porn star.

"I... um... don't," came Harry's confused response.

"Yes!" she said, "It's me, Hermione. You're so cute."

"Granger?"

Supposedly-Hermione laughed at his comment. "Yes," she said, "Hermione Granger. Don't you know what class I was just in?"

"Illusions?"

"No, no," she replied, "It was Transmogrifications For Prettiness. Now I look like I've always wanted to! Forget the stupid brainiac image I've always had, now I'm the real me!"

And Harry Potter's entire world imploded. Hermione Granger was a 'brianiac' because SHE WANTED TO BE. This was not possible. Hermione would never do something like this, ever. No matter what. Knowledge mattered more than anything else to her. How she looked was not important to her, it never had been before and never would be. Something was extremely wrong in Hogwarts. If Hermione couldn't help him, he had to get to Dumbledore immediately. Harry found himself hoping that Dumbledore hadn't been affected as well.

Before he could run off, he found himself being pressed to the wall by Not-Hermione. She leaned in close, pushing her new body against him, and whispered to him, "Do you want to see what else I learned to do in sex class?" and licked his neck.

"Urm," he said, "Not really. Something is wrong here, Hermione. This isn't you. Something is messing with your head. You aren't acting like you should be."

"No," she said whispering into his ear again, "THIS is what I've wanted to be my whole life, and I am now!" She licked his neck again. She leaned out and called over to a girl dressed in all black. "Hey, Tara," she said, "Harry's here!"

"Oh wow," this new girl said, "Do you know what'd be super goffik? If I used magic to change your scar into a pentagram and started calling you Vampire. Oh, you'd be so hot. I bet you could get me and Hermione to both do you at the same time."

"WHAT?" Harry practically screamed at the suggestion.

"HARRY IN GREAT SHOCK!" the dismebodied voice boomed out.

"Shut up, you!" Harry said, trying to focus on what was happening.

"HARRY IS ANNOYED!" the voice said again.

Trying to ignore the voice, which had apparently decided to start narrating student's lives, he said, "Both of you, just get away. I have things to do. Vampires are horrid creatures, I have no desire to be named after one." Harry pushed his way through the two apparently horny girls and started running to Dumbledore's office.

He had to get help. The entire world was changing and he didn't know why. Nothing made sense anymore, it's like a cruel and evil parody of life at Hogwarts.

"HARRY IS GOING TO GET HELP, PROBABLY FUTILE!" the voice boomed out.

"Go annoy Draco!" Harry yelled as he ran off.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

In Slytherin common room, Draco Malfoy was whispering something with Crabbe and Goyle. They were huddled in a corner, speaking in a low voice. They were fairly sure they were not being overheard by anyone.

"DRACO MALFOY BEING SECRETIVE!" the booming voice informed the Slytherin common room.

"Who was that?" Draco exclaimed, looking around wildly.

"DRACO IS CONFUSED!" the voice again said. Draco swung his head around, trying to find out where the voice was coming from, getting very annoyed.

Meanwhile, as Draco futilely tried to figure out what was going on, Harry was almost the entire way to Dumbledore's office. He made it to the entrance and realized he had no idea what the password was.

"Chocolate Frogs?" Not it. "Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans?" Not it. Harry spent the next 5 minutes naming every candy he could think of, until he made something up out of desperation. "MOONCAKE?"

He was let into Dumbledore's office.

"Professor Dumbledore!" he yelled as he went in.

"Yes?"

"Have you noticed anything... strange... about Hogwarts today?" he asked, Dumbledore.

"Oh yes," he confirmed, much to Harry's relief, "Ron's offering his sweet ass for free instead of charging two galleons like normal."

Harry stood there in complete shock. All was lost, Dumbledore had changed as well. Harry knew he wouldn't be able to figure this out on his own. He didn't have the brain power for it. Then, Dumbledore shook his head and said something else.

"Please excuse that little outburst," he started, "I've been fighting off an outside influence all day. This is very bad, you know."

"I know!" Harry exclaimed, "Hermione has gone crazy, Ron is... whoring himself out? Snape apparently decided to 'tap that sweet ass'..." Harry made himself shut up, before it turned into babbling.

"Yes, I know."

"Then what's the cause?" Harry asked, "Why am I the only one who isn't affected at all? Even you seem to be giving into it sometimes."

"Unfortunately, I am," Dumbledore replied, "I think I know what's going on. You see, Harry, this world is much more malleable that one would think. With the right knowledge and determination, an individual can hijack our world, so to speak, and rewrite it to their own desire."

"I don't understand, Professor," Harry said, "Do you mean by using a spell?"

"Not a spell exactly, Harry," he replied, in his normal calm voice, "But more like... well, imagine it this way. You don't like how a book ends, so you tear those pages out and tape in new ones with a different ending. That's almost what's happening here, in terms of how everything is being changed."

"We're in a book, you mean? Someone decided to rewrite it?"

"Yes, in a matter of speaking," Dumbledore said. "But more like someone taped in new pages without taking the old ones out. It causes everything to divert, which is why nothing unusual happened last night or before this morning."

"I'm confused, Professor," Harry said, "I'm not sure I understand what's going on. Who is doing this?"

"I don't know the name of this particular entity," came the reply, "But I think it's a she. Informally, she'd be referred to as a Suethor. She is trying to shape reality to her own twisted views," Dumbledore paused for a moment. "Did you hear that?"

"Yes," Harry said, "It sounded like a wall shattering into pieces."

"How very odd," Dumbledore mused, "We must find this Suethor and stop her. Generally they mingle among the population of the school. We can't do this alone, Harry. It's only a matter of time before she overcomes my defenses and I change just like everyone else."

Harry felt scared at this thought. Throughout all his problems, he'd always had Ron, Hermione and, to a lesser extent, Dumbledore to rely on. He already lost two of them, and soon he'll lose the third. "What do I do? What if I change?" he asked, panic evident in his voice.

"I don't think you will," Dumbledore said, "But you must find her and stop her. Somehow, you must get rid of her. Look for other students who haven't been affected, find someplace to hid and make your plans. Suethors can only change what they concentrate on, and they have bad memories for details quite often."

"I'm still not sure what to do, exactly," Harry said. If only Hermione were here, he thought, she'd have a plan already. A plan that didn't involve licking his neck, that is.

"I'm sorry, Harry," he said, "that's all I can tell you for now. Do what you can. Now please, I must concentrate on counteracting the damage being caused as much as possible. Go, and do what you can!"

Harry left Dumbledore's office, feeling worse than earlier. Who could he find? Where could he go? This was awful. He found himself longing for an attack by Voldemort, at least that was a known enemy. He was more scared now than ever before.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Harry was unsure what to do. He ran back to the Gryffindor common room.

"Halt!" said the picture of the Fat Lady.

"Whirling Toffee," said Harry, the password.

"Go away!" the picture told him, "We are only letting people in who DON'T know the password."

"What?" he asked, "That's just ridiculous. I know this entire place is completely nuts right now, but that's just inane. Let me in before I do something I regret."

"No," the picture said defiantly, "you know the password. You may not enter."

"Fine," he said, "I actually meant Quidditch."

"You did?" the picture asked, "For real and for true?"

"Yes," Harry replied, becoming increasingly annoyed, "I meant Quidditch for the password."

"You're absolutely and totally positive you did?"

"YES!" Harry screamed, "Now let me in!"

"Fine," she huffed, "There's no need to be so rude about it!" And the picture swung open to reveal the entrance.

Upon entering, the first thing Harry noticed as a magical sign that said "RON'S SWEET ASS THIS WAY" and a bouncing, animated arrow pointing towards their bedroom. Mumbling under his breath, Harry returned to his bed, hoping Snape was gone.

"Harry, mate!" Ron exclaimed, "You'll never guess what, mate!"

"What, Ron?"

"I've earned 18 Galleons whoring out my sweet ass!" he said happily, "Everyone wants to tap it! You sure you don't want a go, mate? The first time is always free!"

"Ron," Harry asked, "Why are you doing this? I'm pretty sure you aren't even allowed to do this. How are you even going to sit down after this?"

"I've got it all figured out," he replied, "I'll just use that spell George taught me, you know, Analis Painless!"

"THAT'S NOT A REAL SPELL!" Harry yelled.

"Well, whatever, mate," he replied, "I'll figure something out. I guess it's time for a bit of a break, though. A bloke can only get his ass pounded so many times a day before he needs a break. I wonder where Hermione went? She said she was going to teach me how to do a Hogwart's Helicopter. I wonder what a helicopter is?" With that, he wandered off.

Harry sat on his bed, completely depressed. This was going to hell. He felt completely alone and sort of worthless. Then, there was a knock on his door. He ignored it. The knock got persistently louder and more hurried, but Harry continued to ignore it. Finally, whoever it was just opened the door.

Harry turned and looked. It was Draco.

"Potter!" he yelled, "Did you send that damn voice after me? It's been bugging me all day!"

"DRACO IS UPSET!" it boomed.

"Oh, hi, disembodied voice," Harry said.

"HELLO!" it exclaimed, "THESE ARE THE BEDROOMS OF THE GRYFFINDORS."

"Yes, yes," Draco said, anger even more evident in his voice, "I'll tell you what, Potter, now that I can get in here, I'm going to make your life hell until you get rid of this damn voice!"

"DRACO IS THREATENING!"

"SHUT! UP!" Draco yelled, "I'm warning you, Potter! Get rid of it!" and he stomped out. Harry could vaguely hear the voice saying something about Draco throwing custard. He felt slightly better after that. At least Draco wasn't happy, and that always counted for something.

With a renewed burst of energy, Harry decided to figure out what to do! He would find a way to end the Crisis At Hogwarts! He decided to go do some research to see what he could find. As he traveled to the library, he reflected upon the situation. Surely, this is the worst crisis he would face during his 6th year at Hogwarts. Surely, SURELY, his 7th year would not have any tragedies and certainly no sieges on Hogwarts. Voldemort will certainly be a non-factor in year 7! Harry felt quite certain it would only be smooth going from here on out.

Harry was really quite dumb sometimes.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

After Harry made his way to the library, he began looking for some sort of book that might help get him out of this jam. Surely these "suethor" things must have been written about previously. This can't be an entirely new phenomenon no one has ever experienced before. As he was looking for a useful book, he was interrupted.

"Hello, Harry," this very plain looking boy said to him. "What're you doing here?"

"Um," Harry said, "Looking for a book."

"Oh," the boy said, "that's nice. I like books."

"Yes," Harry said, "I'm sure most of us do. Er, do we know each other?" Harry used to get people talking to him constantly, especially in his first year. They don't normally act like this strange boy did, though.

"Oh, I was hoping you'd remember," he responded, "My name is Generic Hugh."

"Generic Hugh?" Harry asked, confused. "That's a strange sounding name."

"It is," Hugh answered, "but it's fitting. You see, I'm the most forgettable, generic person ever it seems. I was six months old before my mother remembered she'd given birth to me. Everyone who sees me just forgets I exist. It's really quite depressing in a way. I do get out of trouble easily, though."

"Oh my," Harry said, "I suppose you're hoping I'll remember you?"

"I was," Hugh said sadly, "You don't remember either. We've talked about Quidditch over breakfast in the Great Hall every day for the past 3 years."

"We have?" Harry asked, quite confused. "Are you sure? Maybe it was that other guy, Barry Trotter." Harry was slightly perplexed by this. Surely he'd remember Hugh in this situation.

"I'm afraid not," he said, "It was certainly you."

Harry then had an idea. If no one can remember him, then Generic Hugh was the perfect accomplice for getting rid of this suethor. She'd never think to bother Hugh!

"Say," Harry said to Hugh, "Do you know of anyone else who is like you? Um, I mean, easily forgotten?"

"Oh yes!" Generic Hugh responded excitedly, "There's a whole group of us! We meet twice a week in the Muggle Integration room!"

"The what now?" Harry asked.

"The Muggle Integration room," Hugh responded, "It was an experiment conducted by Hogwarts about 4 years ago to integrate Muggles into wizard society. It was ordered by Crazy Old Man Flannigan. It didn't work well and now every one has forgotten it was ever tried."

"I think we'd remember that," Harry said, "That sounds like it would have gotten a lot of people very upset."

"I think the memory wiping charm took care of it," Hugh said. "Anyway, why did you ask about it?"

"Have you noticed how everything is going crazy here at Hogwarts?" Harry asked. "I'm trying to stop it."

"I have noticed," Hugh replied, "But I figured it'd take care of itself. This seems like something done by a bored 15 year old girl that has a notoriously short attention span. I figured she'd get bored and everything would revert back to normal on its own."

"Very insightful, I think. Could I meet these other people in your group?" Harry asked.

"Oh yes!" Hugh said excitedly, glad to have some interest, "We're meeting tonight in the Muggle Integration room. Why don't you come by around 7?"

"Oh, wonderful!" Harry responded, "Hey, where is the Muggle Integration Room anyway?"

"Right over there," Hugh said, pointing to a door that wasn't there a few seconds ago.

"Argh! Another new door!" Harry said, almost in fear. "Where did that come from?"

"Oh," Hugh said, "You can't see it until you know it's there. It's just another charm. Anyway, come by tonight and you can meet us all."

Harry agreed and then continued his search for books. 3 ½ hours later he had still come up with nothing. Apparently, no one had ever heard of a suethor before now. Harry realized he was starving and decided to stop by the Great Hall for some food before going into that strange room. He couldn't even remember why he wanted to go there now. Didn't he meet someone today? Did that person tell him to go there? Well, Harry decided, he'd just mull it over while he ate. Certainly he would remember meeting someone today.

And with that, Harry set off to have a meal.


End file.
